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| Mikes Musings, | |
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Mikes Musings
(#2 in an occasional series of eclectic
ramblings from The Bassist Of The Beasts)
Edited using version 3.9 of Marcus Brandollini
2007
With a large tip of a Junoesque bowler hat to
Lame Mango Washington
The Blues. A Beastly history
Not so long ago in Americas glorious cultural
past (Yeah,right!) being of coloured persuasion wasn't much fun in the
southern states.
The dull humdrum of picking cotton was only
briefly enlivened by some "gentleman" with a daft accent, large hat and
eccentric facial
hair giving you a good kicking. The only thing
you could look forward to was sitting on your porch
rolling your eyes and telling
everyone who would listen how hard your lot in
life was. Sometimes to music. And so The Blues was born. Sort of...
Too much History makes you go blind so lets
get on with the other stuff...
Anatomy of The Blues.
Most Blues begin "Woke up this morning"
Some form of grain based beverage is then had
for breakfast.
Classic Blues then follows a pretty standard
template.
1.Something is lost.
This could be anything from your woman to your
mojo or even your self respect. Losing your hair or car keys in your
jacket lining are
Not Blues
2.Some sort of traveling is involved.
People in Blues songs are always searching
,rambling, driving etc...they need to get to their destination so they
can...
3.Perpetrate acts of violence
This usually involves one or more people
meeting their demise in varied grisly ways.
4.Pay the price.
Cant go offloading large caliber ammunition
into people and expect to get away with it. If you are lucky you get shot.
If not, its jail. With lots of showers. Next
down the line is The Chair. Then, finally, if you've really messed up its
The Devil.
5.Redemption.
Usually found halfway down a bottle in the
small hours...
Helping you along the blues trail.
Blues transport
Pick-up trucks, large American cars with
V8s,particularly Chevy's and Cadillac's ,walking (shoes optional)
The jury's out on trains and planes. Waiting
for them is Very Blues (waiting is a top Blues profession, as is doing
your woman wrong)
As for using them im not so sure. Except if
you happen to be Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Any sort of people carrier, anything German or
any Chelsea tractor is definitely Not Blues. If you are the proud owner of
a BMW X5
you may as well spend your time trying to knit
fog as get Blues in your soul.
Blues deaths.
Getting shot ,stabbed ,substance abuse
,swinging from a rope or going to The Chair. Being shot or stabbed from
behind
is Very Blues ,especially if it was by a friend
or jealous lover. Doing it to someone else just makes you a Lilly livered,
yellow ,good fer nothing ratfink varmint.
Having a heart attack while playing tennis is
generally considered Not Blues
neither is lethal injection or choking on a
fish bone.
Blues places.
The highway .some crossroads ,prison ,an empty
bed ,bottom of a whiskey glass. All these are Top Blues places.
corporate coffee chains and golf courses are
Not Blues places
Blues beverages.
Beer ,wine ,whiskey ,bourbon ,black coffee.
These are all staple drinks. Mineral water or anything with an umbrella
in aren't .Coke may only be considered Blues
if topped up with a bottle of Jack Daniels...and easy on the Coke.
Have you got the Blues- a quick guide.
Yes if:
You're older than dirt ,you're blind
,you shot a man in Memphis, you cant be satisfied.
No if:
You have all you're own teeth, were once blind
but can now see, the man in Memphis lived, you have a pension.
Ladies and the Blues.
Blues ladies are generally well proportioned
and have names such as Rosie,
Sadie or Bessie. If a girls name doesn't end
in "i.e." she's probably called
Big Mama. Stick thin waifs called Chardonnay
or Sequoia will Never Be Blues.
No matter how many men in Memphis they kill
Make your own Blues name
1.Take the name of a physical infirmity (blind
,cripple ,lame ,asthmatic etc...)
2.Add the name of a fruit (lemon ,lime ,mango
etc...)
3.An American Presidents surname (Nixon
,Washington ,Reagan etc...)
How about Blind Cumquat Lincoln or Sneezing
Strawberry Johnson...sounds like a phenomenal pair of Bluesmen to me...
If all the best physical problems have been
used you can always substitute extreme weather forms (lightning
,thunderclap
snowstorm ,hurricane etc...)
Ever hear of Lightning Lemon Clinton? A
pioneering Blues legend I believe...
And now...putting it all into practice.
The Beastie Blues
I
woke up this morning ,decided to write this blog
someone done stole my pick-up ,someone done
kicked my dog
went looking for the bad man cos im gonna make
him pay
gonna keep on searchin until my dying day.
Because im a Beastie
its all i ever knew
have whiskey on my cornflakes
and sing The Beastie Blues
And when i finally find him gonna shoot him i
wont care
and ill keep on laughing til they strap me in
that chair
And when they pull that switch sir ill know
that ive done wrong
ill meet The Man in peace sir and sing him
this Blues song....
Because im a Beastie
its all i ever knew
have whiskey on my cornflakes
and sing The Beastie Blues.
M
Mikes Musings Appear Courtesy of Mike ! |